I don't know anymore... >.>

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I don't know anymore... >.>

Post by Silver on Mon Oct 22, 2012 8:12 pm

This really doesn't need advice or anything, I just need to get it off my chest.

As some of you may or may not know (likely the latter), I have a very unique relationship with my best friend. As we're both bisexual there is this tug and pull where we're headed for a relationship but then we're not. This is all because of some messed up stuff with his family, and though he has admitted to being bisexual he takes it back because of them (long story. Really long.). Anyway, that's a normal everyday strain that I'm just dealing with; it's something I've been telling a few specific people about daily because I honestly feel like my heart is being dropped and picked up over and over again.

One in particular has been there to listen every single day and knows everything from the day this started. Well, today I hear from my best friend (who always seems to tell me specifically in a way that seems purposeful yet not) that he's officially dating her. Of course my automatic internal response is: OHMYFUCKINGGOD; I however opted for the response of: "I don't... okay..." I felt like crying as he went to go tell our other friends, it hurt like hell. It would hurt no matter who it was, and I could brush it off just as easily as anything else. Because it is her, I just can't do it. The fact that she knows how I feel and still said yes or asked him out not only made my heart break, but I feel so cut off from the world now. I had a lot of trust in her, and now its like I don't know her anymore.

I'm going to be talking with her tomorrow about this. I'm not going to ask her to break up with him (although it will kill me inside), but I am going to confirm two things. I need to know if she really did agree to go out with him (knowing them it's possible she took it as a joke), and if she answers that positively I'm going to ask why she just said yes. With how close we are and what she knows about the situation, I feel she should have at least consulted me first...

Anyway... that's what's going on with me recently, other than a large workload.

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Re: I don't know anymore... >.>

Post by Zerifachias on Mon Oct 22, 2012 9:34 pm

You said you didn't need advice, but I have a suspicion that when you posted this you were thinking that I'll probably make some sort of response to it. I will, because I'm hoping that I can help you understand.

Sometimes, when I see you post about troubles in your life, I get the feeling that you have a hard time understanding other people, and why they do particular things. It's not a bad thing to not understand. Hell, I don't understand what people are thinking half the time. I can speculate though.

First of all, when you talked about your flip-flop friend who can't seem to decide whether he's bi or not, there are two possibilities. The first is he really isn't bi at all and is messing around with your emotions, which I sincerely hope is not the case. The second, is that he is having a lot of what sociologists call "role conflict." There are two parts of his person, one of them as a member of his family, and one of his true self, that are fighting each other. If this is the case, it's likely that he is, in fact, bi, but feels ashamed of that because of his family, or for whatever reason. Role conflict happens all the time with teenagers, even more so for those who struggle with their self-image. You're at the age where you're forming your identity, and conflicts like these can cause a lot of stress, both mental and physical. I believe that you can ask any of us 20-year-olds here and we'll tell you pretty much the same thing.

"I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing."

What he needs right now is support from his friends, and that includes you. If you can manage to get through this and still be his friend AND support the relationship, then that will do him a lot of good in finding his identity.

As for the girl...it's possible that she has harbored feelings for your friend for a while, and when you came to her, she was put in an awkward position. People, especially females (gender differences, not sexism), tend to keep the truth away from others if they think it will hurt them. Reality is though, the longer they hold it in, the more it is going to hurt when it finally comes out. Even if she started finding feeling for your friend after you started talking to her, the same logic will apply.

If she did think of it as a joke, then it's a pretty poor one.
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Re: I don't know anymore... >.>

Post by Silver on Tue Oct 23, 2012 1:49 pm

Actually, when I made the post I meant that I didn't need help with what to do. I had a course of action in mind and that was all there really was to it. I didn't have the full story and now I do.

The thought of me and my situation with him didn't cross her mind when she said yes. It wasn't until last night, very late, that she realized and went: Oh shit. We talked and everything's alright. While I'm not super thrilled about their going out I'm hardly going to do anything that will hurt them or any of that. Personally I don't see it lasting just because they are in very different places in their lives and they are just very different people in general.

As for my best friend, I think you hit the nail on the head. While I'm not at liberty to discuss his situation in detail, I will say I'm 99% certain that's what is going on on his end.

Thanks for the insight. (y)

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