Help with a passage?

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Help with a passage?

Post by Deegamah on Mon Nov 09, 2009 9:56 pm

Not really a story in itself, really, but it is an excerpt from one. However, I want to improve it, but I can't figure out how to. I'm putting it out to the community to help with.

Sherman was invited inside, and Dr. Goern showed him to a room. Dr. Goern said, “I apologize, but I have already eaten and have nothing for you.”
“That’s fine, “replied Sherman. “ I have already eaten.”
“Then I bid you a good night,” said Dr. Goern.

Yeah, kinda dull. It's supposed to be a major point in the story, but I can't figure out how to put some detail into this conversation.

... Help?

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Re: Help with a passage?

Post by Cerani on Tue Nov 10, 2009 2:14 pm

Did you describe what the inside looked like before this passage? What about describing their facial reactions or body language. Tone of voice helps too, not to mention internal dialogue with your main character.


     "We must no more ask whether the soul and body are one than ask whether the wax
       and the figure impressed on it are one."

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