Depression

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Depression

Post by Allindur, the Lightfoot on Wed Jan 02, 2013 9:21 pm

I offer you a peek into the bitter areas of my mind. Not because I care about what anyone will think of it, but because I feel like I need it.

I'm not terribly sure why it happens. It's been happening ever for as long as I can remember. I supose it started close to the end of my puberty, but I'm not sure. I just know it is now as much a part of my life as, say, a period is to a woman.

Every now and then, I simply get depressed. There is no reason behind it, I could have had an awesome day (like this was), and be sitting amused at a chair and then it hits me, just like I could have had a terrible day and sill get home with a smile on my face. It seems to have no connection whatsoever to my mood up until the time, and I haven't been able to isolate the cause so far. I'm just living my life, and then suddenly I take a breath and all purpose seems to go away with that bit of air I exale from my mouth. My heart suddenly feels heavier, the world loses it's colour and shades of black dance in my head. Nothing has any meaning, life itself is pointless and, really, why are we even trying? In the end, we are nothing but air and shadows, dust and rot. The future and pale and bears no meaning, no sweetness or weight. It's so diaphanous and evanescent, all so void os substance. I'm not going anywhere. And what am I going now? Nothing. I'm not on the process of accomplishing anything important, my life is all it could be and I'm curretly unable to even be myself. I have no idea what I am doing and why. But nothing is even as bad as it could be, so I can't even complaim. I look back and haven't been able to accomplish any thing that makes a difference. I haven't had a heavy, terribly childhood, nor a particularly happy one. It was all void and pitiful, with no real even to getting over it.

It's all so dark and sorrowful, and I am so weak and pathetic. I can't even summon the strengh to shed tears. I gaze up and I see stars and the moon I love so much. But they are all far and gigantic, and only remind me how insignificant I am. I feel no hunger, I feel no purpose. Everything is meaningless. I could end my life? No, even that would make no real difference. So I just sit down, hide my feelings deep inside, afraid to stain other people's lives with my personal shadows, turn on some music that will reflect my inner numbness, for not even pain am I capable of feeling any longer, and try to smother myself in some activity that will take my mind completely out of everything, keep me from thinking. Not that it works.

And I will go on, empty and lonely, crawling in the devouring darkness of the most fearsome and dusky reaches of my own mind, until I have sunk into the oblivion of my own dreams, filled with fear and anguish and emptiness. And when I have gone through that an unknown number of times, always more than I believe myself capable of withstanding, I will finally be gifted with a blank sleep. A moment of blissful inexistence, void of counsciousness, thought or memory, and will recover from the abyss. Only to be revisited again by my demons just when I had time to get used to happyness again.

The cycle never ends, and the downfall only gets stronger every time. And now I am hear, in the vain hopes that writing my darkness down will help me get rid of a little of it, knowing this is merely the first hour, and I still have a long way to descend, and unable to invoke the will to even review my writings. I just know if I try to read any of it, I'll just close this window and let the letters fade into inexistence.

Inexistence. Is that even a word in english? I'm not really sure. I don't really care. Am I worried that this might be a sign of a future, full-fledged depression? I usually do when I recover, but not right now. I don't worry about anything right now.

O que será, será.

Whatever will be, will be.

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Re: Depression

Post by Zerifachias on Wed Jan 02, 2013 9:40 pm

I've had these feelings before as well. I don't know if they are on the same level as yours, but I've definitely felt like my existence in this world is meaningless at times. Hell, I've thought that the end of the world might not be so bad. During these times I begin to wonder what happens to us after we die. I have a consciousness. I know that. But if I have consciousness NOW, then were am I going? How do I remember what I remember? Is this my final life, or my first life? When I die, what happens to my consciousness? Am I reborn in a never-ending cycle of life and death, or does my consciousness attain a higher form?

Think about it for a second. What happens when you fall asleep? You lose consciousness. You have no memory of what happens while you are asleep, it's as if you are detached from the world completely. If that is the case, how do I know that this is the only life I've lived, or am living? I could be living hundreds, thousands, millions of different lives at the same time, and I wouldn't even realize it. Why? Because I can only remember being one person at this time. People say that dying is like going into slumber. You don't have consciousness, so it stands to reason that your consciousness will return to you at some point. When it does return, it feels like it was an process that took hardly a second to pass.

I could be someone else right now, at this exact same time, but I don't realize it because that consciousness is not mine right now. This is the one I remember, though why that is I don't know. I could be everyone. All seven billion of us humans that walk this earth could share just one consciousness in multiple bodies.

...

Part of the reason why I'm a Christian is because I believe in a second consciousness. A second life. Because if I have a conscious memory, then I have a purpose. If I have a purpose, then someone or something has given me that purpose.

This is also the reason why I don't fear death. In fact, I eagerly wait for it's coming while making the most of my life as it is now. I don't seek death, I just don't bother worrying about it.

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Re: Depression

Post by Allindur, the Lightfoot on Wed Jan 02, 2013 9:52 pm

I have no quarrel with death. I in fact like it. It's a very important part of the cycle of life. I don't fear it and I don't feel bad for those who meet it. That is probably because of my religion.

I believe death will come for me some day, and I will have some time to rest before I go on to my following life. There are many worlds other than this one.

The problem is, what is going to change? Nothing. This life is meaningless, as will be any other. I have my gods, I pay them homage, they give me what help I can dare ask. Does this make any difference? No. They are gods, I am a mere mortal. In the end, I m worth nothing, as is any one around me. There is simply no hope.

It is not a pleasant feeling.

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Re: Depression

Post by Cerani on Thu Jan 03, 2013 7:02 am

I think I know how you feel, man. Some days I feel like I don't have any meaning, and like we humans are only here because we happened to evolve smarter brains and superiority complexes. Then others, I can clearly see the paths that have been set out for people I know, all the beautiful intricacies and complex stories it took to get them where they are now, and what will happen if they continue on a certain way. It's hard to sit there and think the planet and all the people in it just wanna roast themselves and destroy each other, but then know that there are good things in it absolutely worth living for.

I don't believe in God the Christian way, or truly believe that there's a higher being running our lives. I think it's up to us to keep going, to go on learning about ourselves and everything around us, and that makes it so much more precious to me. Maybe it doesn't make a lot of sense, but it gives me a reason to be here. And I don't believe that any one way will work for everybody, we all have to decide for ourselves what we believe and find our own purpose, put meaning to it ourselves if you will.

Am I making any sense?

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Re: Depression

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