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Statistical Chatterbox

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Vegeta, what does the scouter say about this fiction's power level!?!?

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Statistical Chatterbox - Page 2 Empty Re: Statistical Chatterbox

Post by Durn Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:35 pm

Chapter 15 ~ Valincar's Diary of Pleasantries

Valincar Logs In

Valincar: Hmmm... Hello viewers.
Valincar: You all probably know me as Valincar Morte!
Valincar: The egotistical bastard everyone hates-





Valincar: You mean I don't say that?... Oh....




Valincar: They were sidenotes?...


Valincar: ... For fucking what?!
Valincar: Never mind!
Valincar: As I was saying, I'm here today to share with you peasants a couple of my stories.
Valincar: Oh, here we go!
Valincar: Be it a poem, I see?!
Valincar: Ahoy!
Valincar Corneliusenthine Morte wrote:Dear Diary,

Roses are black,
Violets are gray,
Being colorblind sucks,
I want to die.

The puppies are rotting,
They aren't even good to eat,
What kind of puppies are those?
Ones without an edible nose?

~End Entry <3~
Valincar: Oh my! I remember writing that one, I was going through my angst filled teenager years! Ha ha!
Valincar: Oh me and my raging hormones back then.
Valincar: Ahhh.
Valincar: What?
Valincar: Oh, sorry. I got carried away~
Valincar: Anythou, let us continue...
Valincar: ... Let's see here...
Valincar: AHA!
Terra Aurora Courmier wrote:
Spoiler:
~Terry<3~
Valincar: Ah, yes... That one's a keeper.
Valincar: That girl fell for me head over heels!
Valincar: Or, floating disembodied ghost over heels!
Valincar: ... Haha!
Valincar: .... Ha...
Valincar: Why yes...
Valincar: ... Continue we shall...
Valincar: I wonder if I can find one of my old checks that I kept from a restaurant back in the 700's!
Valincar: You know you'd be delighted if you could see such an ancient piece of art~!
Valincar: ... Let's see...
Valincar: Here we go!
Ye Olden Food Stand wrote:Thank you for visiting Ye Old Food Stand, heathen.

Your cheque includes the following, dear sir/madam:
----------------------
LAMB : x1 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 50 shillings
SACK OF ROCKS : x2 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 85 shillings
DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY : x1 - - - - - - - - 450 shillings
YE OLD SOUVENIR BOBBLE-HEAD : x3 - - - - - 150 shillings

Please never come back. Have a nice afternoon, dear sir/madam.
Valincar: God fucking damn it, people!
Valincar: I completely forgot how awesome the crap I had was!
Valincar: .. Ahem...
Valincar: I mean how exhilarating the dear treasures I have concealed... err...
Valincar: Don't judge!
Valincar: ... That's bad!
Valincar: Oh, now wait until you see this piece of work!
Valincar: It's my very first...



Valincar: No, not condom, you pitiful dolt.



Valincar: My very first love letter to Sonia~!
Valincar Long-Ass-Middle-Name Morte wrote:Sonia,

Your eyes shimmer like the newly drawn blood that squirts from the eyes of my enemies,
Your soul is the brightest I've seen, throughout all of my years of possessing children.

Your hair is softer than that one, [Ye Old] fucking stupendous goat I stroked at the petting zoo,
Your skin is softer than the newly brewed flesh of a young frog that was slewn shortly after birth.

Your internal organs sound so warm compared to mine organs, which stopped functioning hundreds of years ago,
Your face is delicious.

, Vallykyun.
Valincar: I was such a... what do the children call it these days...
Valincar: Oh yes, a "play-er".
Valincar: That's it.
Valincar: ... Yep.
Valincar: ...
Valincar: I really don't know what else I have to show you...
Valincar: Hold on, let's see here...
Valincar: ...
Valincar: =D
Granny Valincar wrote:Dear Vallydear,

You left the stove on at my cottage, you ungrateful bastard, you.

Love with hugs and kisses,
Granny
Valincar: And with that, we're out of time!
Valincar: Next time on Statbox, we'll be resuming the brawl between Rosetta and Ryas!
Valincar: Toodle-loo!
Durn
Durn
Hermit Sage
Hermit Sage

Posts : 9672
Join date : 2009-10-30
Age : 63
Location : I do not approve of double entendres.

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Statistical Chatterbox - Page 2 Empty Re: Statistical Chatterbox

Post by Durn Sun Nov 21, 2010 11:41 am

Chapter 16 ~ Typical Anticlimactic Ending

Ryas: FOUND YOU, FUCKER.
Rosetta: OH SHIT!
Czeslaw: Huh?
Ryas: AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, FUCKING BITCHFACE...
Czeslaw: That was rude.
Ryas: SHUT YOUR ASS, EMO.
Czeslaw: >>
Rosetta: I must escape!
Ryas: HOLD STILL, BITCHFACE.
Czeslaw: You've used that insult already. >>
Ryas: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
Rosetta: Help meeeeee.... T_T
Ryas: I WILL NOW... FEAST UPON YOUR INNARDS.
Rosetta: Nuuuuuuu!! D:

Rosetta Disconnects

Czeslaw: Rosetta? NO!!!
Ryas: FUCKING SHIT.
Czeslaw: What? Didn't you kill her?
Czeslaw: That's what normally happens when people disconnect. It's a RUNNING GAG! D:
Ryas: No...
Ryas: ... She actually disconnected.
Ryas: Fucking dial-up connect of hers.
Czeslaw: I see...
Ryas: Well, this sucks.
Czeslaw: We could've turned this into a zombie apocalypse murder spree episode if you had eaten her.
Ryas: Yep. Oh well...
Czeslaw: *sigh*
Ryas: What now?
Czeslaw: Get out.
Ryas: What? Why?!
Czeslaw: Don't think I'll let you-

Marie Logs In

Marie: DOOOOOOOOOOOOM~~~~!!!
Czeslaw: ... You've got to be fucking with me. =_=

Elliot Logs In

Elliot: WHY YES~!

Elliot Logs Out

Ryas: What the hell?
Marie: WE WILL ALL BE SMITTEN BY THE HIGHER GODS.
Marie: SMMIIIIITTTTENNNNNNNNNNNNN....
Czeslaw: Great, Marie's lost it.
Marie: IT SHALL RETUUUUUURRRNNNNNN.
Czeslaw: What?
Marie: ET!
Ryas: God damn moron, spit it out!
Marie: ET! ET ET!
Czeslaw: Oh look, she's convulsing on the floor now.
Ryas: Pretty...
Ryas: I'm out.
Czeslaw: Bye.
Ryas: Faggot.

Ryas Logs Out

Czeslaw: >>
Marie: ET! ET ET! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM~~~!!!!!
Czeslaw: I think you should leave before somebody starts to take you seriously, Marie.

Sonia Logs In

Sonia: Hi guys... x_x
Czeslaw: Get out.
Sonia: W-W-W-W-Why?...
Marie: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM~!!
Sonia: Aaahhhh! She's trying to shove a stake through my chest! D:
Czeslaw: That's why.
Marie: Evil DEMON!
Marie: I SHALL SMITE THEE FOR THE HIGHER GODS.
Czeslaw: I like this girl now. Continue, please.
Sonia: NOOOOOO!!!
Marie: Yes... Yes.... My dear girl... Dieeeeeee.
Sonia: Nuuuuuu....
Marie: I shall now feast on your flesh! The gods told me to do so!
Czeslaw: Which god, exactly?
Marie: His name? IDONTKNOWHISNAMEBUTHESHANDSOME.
Czeslaw: Are you okay?
Czeslaw: Marie... Put down Sonia's arm, you can finish your meal later.
Marie: NNYYYYYAAGGGHHHH!!
Czeslaw: Okay... Okay... E-Eat now... D:
Marie: Yes... Warm innards... So cuddly...
Czeslaw: Something's seriously wrong with you.
Czeslaw: Oh well. Seems like this actually is a zombie apocalypse episode.
Marie: RAWBARAWRBGHAA!!

Lily Logs In

Lily: Hold it right there!
Czeslaw: It's you. >>
Lily: Yes, me! Zombie slayer extraordinaire~! E-X-T-R-A...O...Q...
Lily: WHATEVER~!
Czeslaw: Just kill Marie, please...
Lily: Yessir!
Marie: HISSSSS!!!
Lily: Die, foul creature!
Marie: NU! ET ET! DOOOOOOOM~!!
Lily: What? NO!
Czeslaw: Shoving a stake through her chest too?! D:
Lily: HELLLP MEEEEE!!!....
Czeslaw: This day just keeps getting better and better!
Marie: DOOOOOM~! FLESSSHHHHH~!
Czeslaw: Woops. There goes her face.
Czeslaw: She looks better without her face, yes.
Marie: OM NOM NOM.
Czeslaw: And there goes the arm.
Czeslaw: I should probably move to the side a little to avoid the blood.
Marie: DOOOOOOOOOOM~!
Czeslaw: This is boring now. I'm leaving.

Czeslaw Logs Out

Marie: All of you... shall be smitten!
Marie: Hissssss....

Marie Logs Out
Durn
Durn
Hermit Sage
Hermit Sage

Posts : 9672
Join date : 2009-10-30
Age : 63
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Statistical Chatterbox - Page 2 Empty Re: Statistical Chatterbox

Post by Durn Wed Feb 09, 2011 6:49 pm

Chapter 17 ~ The Complain Hotline

Ryas Logs In

Stranger1 Logs In


Ryas: Welcome to the Complaint Hotline, how may I help you?
Stranger1: Oh, yeah, hi.
Ryas: Did you hear me? How may I help you? I didn't greet you.
Stranger1: You see?! This is the kind of shit I came over here to complain about! The terrible-ass service I have to deal with every day here!
Ryas: Don't like it? File a complaint and get me fired.
Stranger1: Why the hell do you think I'm here? That's what I'm doing!!
Ryas: Then I suggest you calm down and ask nicely.
Stranger1: May I file a complaint?
Ryas: No shit.
Stranger1: ... Deep breaths...
Ryas: Sir, may I help you?
Stranger1: I would like to file a complaint, I think-
Ryas: Oh really?
Stranger1: ... I think that the service here is beyond despicable.
Stranger1: It's atrocious!
Ryas: And you wish me to carry out this complaint and get myself fired?
Stranger1: Yes.
Ryas: Say please.
Stranger1: ... Please?
Ryas: I'm sorry sir, you've reached your time limit. I hope the service you've been given today was satisfactory. We hope we don't hear from you again soon! =D
Stranger1: -Wait... What?!

Stranger1 Disconnects

Stranger2 Logs In

Ryas: Welcome to the Complaint Hotline, how may I help you?
Stranger2: Mmhmm, my daughter is enrolled in the local school 'round these parts.
Ryas: Get to the point, miss.
Stranger2: Well, this teacher of hers isn't treatin' her properly, and I want it fixed.
Ryas: In that case, can I have your surname, please?
Stranger2: The name's Smith. Spelled "S-M-I"-
Ryas: What do I look like to you, a fucking tool?
Stranger2: Ohh, I'm sorry. Was a small misunderstandin'.
Ryas: ...
Ryas: Hold on, the computer is attempting to find your daughter. What grade is she in?
Stranger2: She's a 5th grader.
Ryas: Hold on, please.









Ryas: Damn Internet Explorer!









Ryas: Okay, here we go. Says here that your daughter's name is...
Ryas: "La-a"?
Stranger2: For fuck's sakes, lady. You pro-nunce it Ladasha.
Stranger2: The dash ain't silent.
Ryas: ... Ladasha?
Stranger2: Spell it "La-a", don't get no cockiness round me, lady.
Ryas: I'm sorry ma'am, you've reached your time limit. I hope the service you've been given today was satisfactory. We hope we don't hear from you again soon! =D
Stranger2: You gonna hear from mah lawyer about this!!

Stranger2 Disconnects

Stranger4 Logs In

Ryas: Welcome to the Complaint Hotline, how may I help you?
Stranger4: My boyfriend committed suicide after he learned that I was pregnant with his brother's baby, the child itself was a stillborn, not even his brother would help me nurture the child, I received no support from either side of the family, and I-
Ryas: ... Yeah, can't help you there.
Stranger4: But the child!
Ryas: I'm sorry ma'am, you've reached your time limit. I hope the service you've been given today was satisfactory. We hope we don't hear from you again soon! =D

Stranger4 Disconnects

Stranger3 Logs In

Ryas: Welcome to the Complaint Hotline, how may I help you?
Stranger3: Um yeah, about those Creepers...
Ryas: ... What about those "Creepers"?
Stranger3: They need to drop more gunpow-
Ryas: YOU FUCKING HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
Stranger3: Huh?
Ryas: YOU FUCKING HOLD IT.
Stranger3: Okay, lady-
Ryas: I SAID HOLD IT THE FUCK UP!!
Ryas: I'VE DEALT WITH A LOT OF SHIT AROUND THESE PARTS!!
Ryas: BUT NEVER HAVE I ONCE HAD TO DEALT WITH A PUSSY WHO CAN'T EVEN SLAY A COUPLE OF CREEPERS TO GET THEIR NIGHTLY SUPPLY OF GUNPOWDER!!
Ryas: HELL, WHY WOULD AN UNCOORDINATED BASTARD LIKE YOU NEED TNT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!
Ryas: WITH YOUR BRAINS, YOU'D JUST END UP BLOWING THE HELL OUT OF YOUR OWN BASE!
Ryas: YOU KNOW WHAT?!
Ryas: WHY THE HELL DO I WORK HERE?!
Ryas: I SHOULD BE THE ONE COMPLAINING!!
Stranger3: Uh, miss...
Ryas: I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Ryas: WHY THE HELL DID STRANGER4 COME BEFORE STRANGER3? DAMN IT, DURN!!!
Ryas: STRANGER4 WAS AN OBVIOUS TROLL ANYWAYS!! HOW THE HELL CAN A STILLBORN CHILD BE NURTURED?!
Ryas: I MEAN, HELL, DURN DIDN'T EVEN SPELL THE CHAPTER TITLE CORRECTLY!!!
Ryas: I QUIT.
Stranger3: Jeez.
Stranger3: ... Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Stranger 3 Disconnects

Ryas Logs Out
Durn
Durn
Hermit Sage
Hermit Sage

Posts : 9672
Join date : 2009-10-30
Age : 63
Location : I do not approve of double entendres.

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Statistical Chatterbox - Page 2 Empty Re: Statistical Chatterbox

Post by Durn Thu Mar 03, 2011 9:57 pm

Chapter 18 ~ Extremely Wild And Untamed Night Club Experience

Sonia Logs In

Czeslaw Logs In

Rosetta Logs In

Lily Logs In

Kevin Logs In

Zero Logs In

Valincar Logs In

Aster Logs In


Sonia: *CRRRREEEEEEEEKKKKK*



Sonia: One... Two... One...









Sonia: *HRHRPFFFUU* *PFF* Three...






Czeslaw: Hey Rosetta, I think she's having trouble with the microphone.
Rosetta: She's a big girl, Czeslaw. She can handle it.




Sonia: *HHHPHPPFFF* Th- *PFFF*


Sonia: One... Two... Three...



Sonia: Okay... Okay! H-H-Hello everyone! Welcome to the C-Cybercafe of Alidaire!
Sonia: I-I hope you all enjoy the wonderful... w-wonderful performances she... we have prepared for y-you all!!

Czeslaw: Remind me again why we're conversing through a chat room, please.
Lily: It's more fun than talking~!
Czeslaw: But we're all lined up in a row on a bunch of computers in some random hole-in-the-wall dump that tries to pass itself off as a night club...
Czeslaw: It's ridiculous.
Rosetta: I feel pathetic.
Lily: The show is starting~! Shhhh!!!
Sonia: T-T-T-T-Tonight... We'll o-open up with our prime comedist!
Sonia: ...
Sonia: ... Umm...



Valincar: ... It's "comedian", dear~!

Sonia: ... Okay. Our prime comedian, the fantastic Myuu Rindel!

Myuu Logs In

Myuu: ... D:
Myuu: Ummm...
Myuu: Okay...




Myuu: ... How do you make antifreeze?







Myuu: ... Y-You steal her blanket.
Rosetta: I'm worried.
Czeslaw: I'm not.
Lily: I don't get the joke.
Myuu: Umm...


Myuu: .... Hold on...




Myuu: T-T-T....
Myuu: To write with a broken pencil is pointless!





























Rosetta: FOR FUCKS SAKE, GET ON WITH IT!!
Czeslaw: H-Hey, Rosetta! That's not necessary! Sit down!
Lily: Yeah~!
Aster: Learn how to tame your women, Czes!
Lily: That line was brilliant, Aster-kyun~!
Myuu: ... U-Umm... G-G-Guys...
Czeslaw: Like I-
Rosetta: What was that, Aster?
Aster: Errr...
Rosetta: WELL!?
Aster: Umm... You see...
Myuu: I USED TO HAVE A FEAR OF HURDLES, BUT I GOT OVER IT!!










Rosetta: ... I... I don't know what to say to that, Myuu.
Myuu: WHEN A CLOCK IS HUNGRY, IT GOES BACK FOUR SECONDS!!
Myuu: IF YOU DON'T PAY YOUR EXORCIST, YOU GET REPOSSESSED!!!
Rosetta: Myuu, you don't need to tell any more jo-
Myuu: HHHHHNNNNGGGG
Czeslaw: Now I'm worried.
Aster: Haha! Hahahahah!
Myuu: EVERY CALENDAR'S DAYS ARE NUMBERED!!
Myuu: I LIKE CAMPING, IT'S IN TENTS!!
Czeslaw: Should we subdue him?
Rosetta: KEVIN, GET OVER HERE!!
Kevin: Aid living filth in restraining one of their own?
Kevin: I would never stain my civilized palms with your appalling behavior!
Czeslaw: So now he's a vegetarian, I take it.
Kevin: Have some decency, you barbaric folk!

Kevin Logs Out

Myuu: WHAT DO YOU CALL A MELON THAT CAN'T GET MARRIED!?
Rosetta: Someone get him off of the stage!
Lily: Fire~!!
Czeslaw: Wait, what?!
Myuu: A CAN'T ELOPE!!

Commercial Break Logs In

Commercial: Now, watch with great care and precision.
Commercial: Become one with the animal kingdom, and indulge yourself within the natural world!
Commercial: Watch majestic giraffes necking each other in valiant wars for survival!
Commercial: Watch the prideful lions graze across the golden plains of the savanna!
Commercial: Watch GRACEFULLY as rhinos reproduce, and give birth to new life!
Commercial: Tune in to DISCOVERAH channel today~!

Commercial Break Logs Out

Czeslaw: I apologize for the sudden interruption.
Lily: Necking sounds like a sex move~!!
Rosetta: Be quiet, Lily.
Czeslaw: And while we were on a break, we... calmed... Myuu!
Sonia: Y-Yes... And the next act will s-start soon!!
Lily: The neck-st act will start soon~! :3

Commercial Break Logs In

Commercial: A world where young girls are decapitated by giant, flesh eating worms...
Commercial: A world where a rabbit-squirrel creature is a literal reincarnation of the devil...
Commercial: A world where every supernatural experience includes a nice dose of LSD...
Commercial: A world where innocent schoolgirls are psychologically tampered with and demolished...
Commercial: Venture into the depths of Durn's new anime obsession...
Commercial: Mahou Shoujo Madoka★Magica~!

Commercial Break Logs Out

Sonia: N-N-Next up... We have the mellifluous poet, Zero.
Sonia: P-P-P-Please come up to the s-stage, Zero.






Zero: Crimson showers of rain splatter upon the dirt,
Zero: The white, snowy dirt of lost, hopeless dreams and nightmares alike,
Zero: Small children, brutally massacred and mangled,
Zero: Beaten and bruised,
Zero: No dreams come alive within the reddened, snowy world,
Zero: Only nightmares of torment and hatred,
Zero: And when the children awaken,
Zero: Only nightmares await them,
Zero: Only nightmares,
Zero: Only,
Zero: Only...

Sonia: O-O-Okay Zero!... That's... T-That's enough for now!!
Zero: But I was just getting started.
Sonia: T-T-That's okay!!
Sonia: You can continue after this short intermission!!
Durn
Durn
Hermit Sage
Hermit Sage

Posts : 9672
Join date : 2009-10-30
Age : 63
Location : I do not approve of double entendres.

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