Letters I will never send.

My dearest Daniel,

This is the fifth letter that I have written to you, and the fifth that I have destroyed. I know that I will never see you, touch you, or contact you ever again. I know this, yet I persist in this fallacy of pain and self-pity. I try and make sense of what you said to me that last time we were together, I replay it every night as I lay in bed. I am not experienced enough to know what exactly you meant. I remember the time that we began to drift apart, and I have mixed feelings. Should I have just listened to her calmly, or proceeded as I did? I look at the stone I received from you, that piece of chalcedony. I can almost swear it contains the warmth of your hand and the fire of your love, but I know that those feelings are long gone. I'm sure that you would consider me crazy and stuck in one place.

I know this, but I cannot let go. Every moment I have spent with you is one that I cherish to this day. You still make me smile, and feel like I had been before you left. I want to say that I can call you the best person I ever met, but it wouldn't be fair to you, as you do not feel the same. I want to make everything right between us, but I know now that I cannot. An entire year has passed since I began writing to you, but I cannot bring myself to speak with you. I'm still scared of what could happen to me. I deserve the coldness you deliver me, I know I do, and I attempt to take it with a smile on my face. I truly do.

All I want is for you to be alive and well. That fateful day, I had not realized what I had done to you, and if I had, I would have removed myself from your presence immediately. But I was selfish. I wanted someone whom I could call my own. Someone that wasn't afraid to take a young girl in their midst. Someone who could share the feelings I did, and be with the same program. I wanted so much, but I ignored everything you said. I know that I needed to make sure that I was being kind to you, my only confidante, but instead I turned that love into hatred, and that fire into ice. I am so sorry for everything that I have done. I wish I could make things right, but it's far too late.

I will always think of you, even after you no longer think of me. You are the one that helped me to become who I am now, and I sincerely appreciate you. I only wish that I could have what I once had, but I must accept the fact that you will never come back to my side. I have torn you open far too many times for that. I will always miss you. What I wouldn't give to make you happy again.

Love,
Felicity Westphalen