Durn's Hoenn Adventure! =3=

Durn's Hoenn Adventure

Reader,

Over the course of the next while or so, I will be documenting my adventure through the cartridge game Pokemon Emerald. Each update will consist of a neatly organized overview of my party, what happened during the update, and a comical description of what happened through the eyes of Durn, our hero.


Yes, he's a rather ugly fellow, I know. I mean honestly, what kind of a child - who isn't possessed - has snow white hair and solid black eyes? That's just freaky, man. And really, how tall is he? From what I can see, it looks like he couldn't be older than 11. God damn it, GameFreak, why do you force me to play as this pixel monstrosity? Well, I could play as the female character, but I'd get weird looks for that.

I think you should get a Whiscash and name it "Floppy."

'Cause awesome.

Durn's Hoenn Adventure: Chapter 1

Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOWRNLaCMJg


"Hi, sorry to keep you waiting! Welcome to the world of Pokemon! My name is Birch. But everyone calls me the Pokemon Professor. This is what we call a 'Pokemon'."

What do I look like to you, an elderly dog with a serious case of Alzheimer's? I know what a flacking Pokemon is, old man. I don't need any old geezer like you telling me what's what. And you better be sorry for keeping me waiting, I was waiting here for 15 fucking minutes, and all you've been telling me is utter crap. Stop wasting my time.

"This world is widely inhabited by creatures known as Pokemon. We humans live alongside Pokemon, at times as friendly playmates, and at times as cooperative workmates. And sometimes we band together and battle others like us."

Everything you've said has been a complete waste of my time. Though, you're the coolest professor besides Oak, so I guess I can let it slide. Hell, that's why I gave you Oak's sprite. He's so much cooler than you, man.

"But, despite our closeness, we don't know everything about Pokemon-"

I don't care about the intro anymore, I'm gonna stop reading this text out loud for you guys, I think all of us have-

"Are you a boy or a girl?"

. . .


Look. I know the main male character looks extremely androgynous, but it can't be that bad, can it? Oh well, I guess it can be... That's the last of what I'll be reading off, I'm tired of this guy's smug attitude. Now, I've woken up in one of those white vans that look like they're hiding some dead bodies or some hostage child. Apparently, my mother shoved me into one of these things while I was asleep. We were moving to a new place.

In fact, when I stepped out of the serial killer van, I was shocked by what I saw. There were only three houses in the entire town, yet there were many civilians just wandering around in the grass. They would sit still for a moment, move slightly, turn, and then become still once more. There was obviously some paranormal activity going on in this town, and it freaked me out.

After witnessing my mother openly admit to supporting Pokemon cruelty and slave work, I wander upstairs into my room to set my clock, a demand given to me by my tyrannous mother. I can't stress how quaint and unwelcoming this place feels... It's almost too... perfect. Everyone is outside, and they're all behaving. Nobody was trying to mug an elderly woman for her purse, or steal some little girl's candy. It was all too perfect. I cannot accept this perfection. No, not at all.


Durn's Current Party:

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Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOWRNLaCMJg

Okay, so this new place is a little weird, but surely the new neighbors couldn't be all that bad, right? To either prove or disprove my theory of alien citizens, I decided to go visit the house next door and see what I could find. On the second floor of the house, I found a sole Pokeball. It piqued my curiosity, and I decided to poke it. I poked it. The ball moved slightly, almost as if it had twitched severely. I feel sorry for the poor Pokemon, its trainer must truly be terrible if it's having spasms like this left and right.


"Hey you!" I heard a feminine voice shout from behind me, and I was extremely disappointed with what I saw. This girl was a total whore, I mean seriously, look at that outfit... It's kind of scaring me, to be honest. And that hair... I mean really, how much hair product do you use to be able to get two different tendrils of hair to just flop out frontward? It's like your bangs are made of stone or something, and it's truly frightening. She proceeded to tell me things I'd rather not know, and I was able to determine that this girl was a typical teenage slut.


My neighbors were not aliens after all. I was able to look past the abnormal hair and accept it as a mere abnormality, nothing more. Upon leaving the slut's house, I noticed a small trail that led out of the town and into the forest. A small girl was standing by it, and as I tried to pass, she rudely stood in front of me and told me to fuck off.


I proceeded onward and visited the professor's lab, only to see that it was nearly empty. The only people in it included myself and some awkward scientist guy. I got up the courage to ask him where the professor was, and he told me that he was out doing field work. I was like, "Kay.", but the fucker insisted that I stayed so he could tell me what fieldwork was. During the middle of his lecture, I took him by the arm and threw him onto the ground. I took the opportunity and bolted out of the building.

I noticed that the girl who previously said rude things to me was now looking out toward the route. Something was going on, and I was determined to find out. I asked the girl what was going on, and she pushed me into the route so I could see for myself, jeez.



Durn's Current Party:

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